Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
