She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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