Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I currently don't understand fingers.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
