it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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