this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
