I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.
More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
Randomize
