I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Randomize
