$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Randomize
