This girl is very crazy
She's one of those compassionate ppl
So everything I said on this seemingly endless date offended her
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i will never coherently bang her
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
