that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
