i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
