Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I had to cum in my sink.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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