So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
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Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
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Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
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