I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MIDGETS
????
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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