my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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