I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
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