I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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