it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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