They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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