I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
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