do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
You're right, I'd say my real all time low was when I let that fifteen-year-old feel my boob.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
