my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Randomize
