Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
My vagina just clenched in fear
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
