I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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