i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
