Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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