he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
