Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
