I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
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Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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