I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
