Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Randomize
