I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
