You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
