Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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