I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
