I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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