god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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