is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
