I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Bought pregnancy tests in bulk off amazon. Kinda feel insulted that it asked if I wanted to subscribe for regular shipments.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
