My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
hooking up with him was much more fun when i knew in the back of mind we'd get in some sort of trouble for it
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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