yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
i finally understand why guys leave in the middle of the night.......they got it right
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Randomize
