like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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