it was like his penis was on wheels.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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