Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Randomize
