I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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