this just has baby written all over it
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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