I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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