Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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