i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
