If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
