WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
