I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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