I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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