She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
it was like his penis was on wheels.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
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I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
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For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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