I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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