seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
