Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
there's paper in my vomit.
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
