I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
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