So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Randomize
