he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i came so much i feel like i were to try again, only dust would come out. and maybe glitter
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