Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
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