I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Randomize
