my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
