i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
